Motherhood is a tough job. It is a job that you cannot clock out from or go on break. I will be honest with you, it has been tough on me sometimes. As a creative, I need my space, my time, my loneliness to put into my art or writing.  I want to pour my heart and my soul into my creations, and caring for a child on a daily basis  drains those limited resources. I only now have found a way to balance myself. Having a child is a huge self-learning curve.  Before I had Alexi, I had no idea that I would need to give myself fully to a child without taking a little bit  back for myself.  Before I had Alexi, I thought I was going to be a stay at home mother.  And after I had him, I learned that I am not stay at home type and I have goals to fulfill and purpose to follow beyond my home.

One of a Kind. You.When we lost Angel, I made my husband promise me  to always remind me how much it really means to be truly blessed with children.  I asked him to remind me how much we love our son and how much we wanted  for him to become a part of our family. I promised myself under no circumstances to yell if I am mad and learn how to be patient with my child. I have to constantly work primarily on myself.  Bringing up kids is first of all bringing ourselves up.

There are days, I miss my freedom of being able to do anything or go anywhere with no restraints. But then I remind myself of  how boring my life used to be when I had that freedom. I just got sucked into the routine and did not appreciate it. Having Alexi showed me that I am in control of my own life. Through hard work of being a mother I learned that I operate better  and get things done in an overload mode versus having too much time for myself  and getting too relaxed.

One of a Kind. You.As a mother  it is such a joy for me to watch  how my son grows, and changes, and learns. He shows his comedian personality. He does certain things on purpose, because he knows that they make us laugh.  How can one be mad at this fountain of nonstop pure energy? He has not yet put himself into the restraining jacket of the system that we build for ourselves to live by. He does not suspect what system is. He just lives now.

I know one day he will ask me about his brother. I know that  one day I will share with him the story about how he came to this Earth. I will share with him that he was a miracle in true sense.

I believe in the  eternity of  our soul. I believe we lived before, living now and will be living in the future.  I believe all of us have past lives. Through the  journey our soul evolves, develops and learns from the mistakes we have made before. When we die our body dies, but our core, our thoughts, our emotions never die. Our thoughts and our emotions and our energy  is  in fact our soul.  We can communicate with  souls that have passed or that are yet to come to this planet and we can also receive messages. There is no death. Because there is no death, there is no fear.  I didn’t have a  direct ability to communicate with my son Angel when he passed. I decided to call a psychic who was able to verbalize our conversation with Angel and answer so many questions.  She asked me to open my palm for Angel to touch me and I did, and I felt his touch. From that point  on when I needed to connect with him I would open my palm and feel the touch. He was always with me, he was always by my side. I was hoping his soul would come to me again with my next pregnancy. The psychic  said I would  be pregnant before November. I remember being confused, I felt like It needed to happen a lot sooner.  Interestingly enough we have not really tried until October.  My mom kept telling me not to hope to get pregnant soon, because I would be disappointed if that does not happen or takes too long to get pregnant. It took her 2 years to get pregnant with my brother.One of a Kind. You.

 

Because I don’t believe in death, my grieving process turned more into a learning process about what happens after physical passing and what was before birth. I was obsessed with reading books   about children remembering their past lives and time in the womb, people who were in contact with spirits of their loved ones and the answers that they received from them. I wanted to know the answer to the question  of not what physically caused Angel’s death, but why it needed to happen, and what was the purpose of this learning life-experience for me. I learned a lot about the spirit world and why some souls drop out causing miscarriage,  and why so many people cannot get pregnant. The answer to this  is  as much  physical  as spiritual.  I remembered as a teenager  I was reading a lot about out of body experience  and tried to learn it  for myself back then. I was back at that stage and felt  I needed to go out of body in hopes to meet my son and have a face to face conversation on why he left me and why he needed to go. As a matter of fact, I have had out of body experiences a few times in my life, but they were unconscious. I could never proceed with a conscious experience  through to the end.  It is a dangerous territory too. One must really know what he is doing, in order to be able to wake up. I was always a scaredy-cat.  I went to the Monroe Institute searching for the answer. While I never could afford to pay  full price for a week long program, I have found a way to look for my answers through guided meditations from the Monroe Institute. I used past life meditations to learn about my past lives and actually got answers that explain fears in my current life as well as the belief system that I was building upon. For example, I always was terrified of  the guillotine, until I discovered in my past life regression that this is how I died back in  1830 in France.  I was wondering why I was always afraid to date military people, and then I discovered that  I have lost my husband in times of Russian revolution back in 1913. I know to some of you this sounds crazy, but my in between period made me explore things beyond our current reality.

One of a Kind. You.

I was searching for the answer. I needed to connect with my son to get answers. Finally Angel came to me during my meditation on October 1st. During that meditation  another boy came through as well. The new boy was wearing a green shirt and was holding a ball. He was speaking to me in Russian. I asked him if he was my son Angel. He said, “No”. I asked him what his name was, and he said his name was “Alexi”. I asked him to spell it for me and he did. I was surprised how he spelled it. It was an old version of a common Russian name that almost no one uses today. I asked him where Angel was. And he responded that “Angel is offended. He left.” I asked him,” Where did he go?” because I did not want for him to leave. I guess in the back of my mind I still wanted for Angel’s soul to come to me again in my new pregnancy. Alexi yet again responded that he left.

“Do you want to be my son?” I asked. And he said, “Yes”.

” I want to hug Angel,” I said.

 

Suddenly  I saw this little boy to the right. He was sitting with his back towards me  near the river under the tree in a white shirt. He was hugging his knees and looked down into the ground. I hugged him. It felt good. I still had this bitter feeling on why he was offended and why he left. I really wanted Angel to be my future son and no one else. I guess this was the moment when I finally let him go.

 

“When are you going to come to me,” I asked Alexi.

“October 15,” he responded.

One of a Kind. You.

We talked a bit longer and asked him other questions. Everything felt like it was a dream. I did not have this sharp and clear awake mind like in any other meditations, so I was sure I made everything up in my mind. I wrote about this meditation in my journal, but I did not believe it was a true communication with a spirit. I felt like I just fell asleep. I quickly forgot about this meditation due to the fact that I did not believe it was real.

 

On October 15, I found out I was pregnant and discovered a note in my journal two days later. I was in awe. My hands were shaking, I just could not believe this. This was a miracle.

But back to October 15. It started off  far from ordinary. On October 15 Steve and I were awakened by an unusual alarm ring on both of our alarm clocks. Both of them were  playing Mexican radio. Steve and I went to Mexico when I was pregnant with Angel. I did not even know I was pregnant back then. My alarm rang first and then his, and then again after we snoozed it, it  came back playing.   We had no explanation for it. We had not changed our  beeping alarm ring for years. May be  we were still half asleep and still dreaming. We brushed it off like that.  If that was not weird enough, when Steve picked up his phone   to look at the time he had the numbers 725 typed into it (Angel’s due date).  I remember, we joked about the whole situation. But when I went to work, I felt like I wanted to cry all the time for no reason. I mean, I felt there was something that bothered me, but I could not understand what. My emotion was so strong, I could not even work . Soon after that I got a text message from a friend reminding me that October 15th was an official infant loss day. And then I realized that the numbers on Steve’s phone were actually my due date with Angel.  I realized this was a way he was trying  to  communicate with me. I also had this overwhelming desire to go and get a pregnancy test. I barely managed to the end of the day and when I got home I did a pregnancy test. It was positive! I must have gotten pregnant somewhere around October 5, my birthday. What an amazing present that was!  That made Alexi’s due date June 27th. Angel was born June 26th! I thought if my child would actually come on the same day Angel passed, I would  take it as Angel’s soul was coming back to me. And I made it clear to the Universe that if that worked out this way, I would truly believe that Angel’s soul  came back. It did not work out. Alexi was born on June 17 proving  that another boy from my meditation was coming to be my son. Oh yes, and I knew it was a boy from the beginning.  All these numbers were just blowing my mind. Two days later I looked in my journal where I wrote down the results of my meditation. That is when I realized that Alexi came to me before and told me that he would  be here on October 15.

One of a Kind. You.

I instantly wanted to be quiet about my pregnancy. I was so afraid of anything happening this time.  I was so blessed my pregnancy was easy. My psychic said my baby would come on June 18. Close enough. She was 1 day off. I never  100% believed the  prediction, but I always felt like he would come before his due date. For that reason I flew my mom here by 37 weeks and took my maternity leave from work.  I had a week and a half to prepare for my labor. I had my Blessingway and I was so grateful for all the women who came to my Blessingway. It gave me power and readiness to go into labor without fear. You can read Alexi birth story here.

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Angel came to me  again on Mother’s day in a form of lucid dreaming. I did not even know it was   Mother’s day, nor did I expect a visit from him. It touched my heart and made me cry.

In my dream, I was in a dark building along with many other people. I knew all those people were extremely unhappy. There was no happiness in the entire building. I gradually started noticing cracks in the wall becoming bigger and expanding. Little pieces of stones started falling down on me. I knew the building was about to collapse on me and all those other people. I took off running to grab my husband’s hand to get out of this doomed place. Someone’s else gave me a blanket, because it was freezing cold.  Next thing I remember, It was a cold night. I saw flickering lights of the city far away in the valley. One of a Kind. You.There was a single orange street light illuminating the surroundings. I spotted this big and heavy iron door near where we were standing. I was with my husband and  a child of 6 years old. I don’t know who he was and why he was with us. He was not our child. This child had an envelope in his hands. It was glowing  stronger purple light the closer we were approaching happiness. Yes, you read it right. Dreams are strange. I decided it was a good idea to open the envelope to look what was inside. And when we opened the envelope, we found a … school schedule. What a disappointment! While my husband and the child were arguing about the envelope, I sat down on the bench, feeling that this was not the end. There was something more to it. I kept staring at the iron door. Then  the door slowly opened up and a  5 year old boy looked out from behind the door and he told me to come in. We came inside and it was a simple hallway with lots of people talking and kids roaming around. I understood it was some kind of daycare or school. The 5 year old boy continued talking:

One of a Kind. You.“You know your son Angel…”

“Yes,” I confirmed, not even knowing what he was about to say.

“He said..”.

“Why did he die,” I blurted

“Because he was underweight,” he responded

“Is he coming to me,” I said trying to ask if he would come  earth side to me one day.

“No,” he said

I felt that not the boy was saying those words, but  my son Angel was talking with me through his lips. I sat down on my knees looking at a boy. There was this stroller with a baby right next to me. One woman was walking by, came up and looked inside the stroller.  Then she said, “It is funny how it is. When you wait for something  one day so badly and that never happens.” I realized this remark was about my son Angel dying and it hurt. I got up, turned around and proceeded to the door. Suddenly one strong hand grabbed my arm  and stopped me.

“Wait”.

It was my husband’s hand, and also my mom’s hand and also someone else’s hand at the same time.  It had a strong, confident, all knowing grip.

 

I quickly noticed the craft table to the right. The table had dried flowers, little decorative bags and cards  for writing good wishes. It was setup for kids to make little  mother’s day presents. This hand started picking the flowers from the table making a bouquet for me as a present. And in that moment I knew it was my son Angel creating me a gift for Mother’s day.  It was so overwhelmingly clear. I felt his presence with every inch of my body. I just knew it was him. This hand  also held a book of fairy tales that I used to read as a child. The book opened up and sentences started appearing for me to read.

“Where are you running? Stop running. Make a stop. Stop!”

 

And then I woke up. I realized quickly that it was in fact a visitation from my son. It got me so emotional, I got up from the bed, went to the bathroom and started hysterically crying. In Russia we don’t have  a tradition to celebrate mother’s day. We have women’s day on a completely different date. We honor our mothers on women’s day. I had no plans to celebrate mother’s day, nor was I thinking of myself in terms of being a mother just yet, despite what had happened. Angel’s honoring myself as a mother touched my heart so deeply. I was so incredibly thankful. I felt so loved.

About 5 minutes later after I woke up  I got the strangest text message ever at 1:38 am. The message said, “I wanna talk to you on a dream-date.net.”

Really? Is that something? I was shaking. This final sign confirmed that my dream was in fact a real visitation.

 

I have not had any other visitations from Angel since then. Alexi was born healthy and happy  on June 17, 2013 and a new period of my life started. I was fully healed from my previous loss when I got pregnant with Alexi. My life had new meaning since Alexi’s birth. I knew my experience was a push for me to focus on more important things in life and stop paying attention to nonsense.

 

I hope after reading this  you don’t think I am completely insane. I am sharing these deeply  personal miracles that happened to me in hopes to tell you that there is life beyond death. Death is a scary word we should not be afraid of. When we die we just change a state of existence. In fact, we  are going back to where we came from and they welcome us with open arms. We think life is reality. But it is not. Life is a very fragile bubble that we build for ourselves. When we go back  we discover what was real and what was not. We review our life and lessons that we have learned. If we did not fix our current mistakes in this lifetime, we move on fixing them in the next. Our life now is important, because it gives us an opportunity to grow. We develop ourselves as spiritual beings. We evolve. So  please pay attention to what’s important and leave your mark in this life. Don’t let it go to waste. You are so much more.

Love. Katya.

 

Read Alexi’s Birth Story next

Read My Story. Part 1. Story of an Angel

One of a Kind. You.

 

 

One of a Kind. You.